Be Strong and Courageous

Pursuing a Master of Divinity is not for the faint of heart.  Since the beginning of the semester, I have watched my father’s health continue to decline as he completes his sixth month of receiving hospice care.  I have made an effort to be there as much as I can, which isn’t very much; I have spent two months at my clinical site watching life’s drama unfold as families make what is literally life or death decisions, and I have six more months to go.  I have struggled to keep up with my studies with very little to show for it except for piles of books and reams of paper with random sections highlighted in hopes that it will have helped me with the midterm I’m turning in tomorrow (a few days prior to when this entry will post on our blog.)  I have continued to work full-time.  On top of that, I nearly got in a car accident on my way to class when I was so sleep-deprived that I pulled in front of a car that managed to swerve to safety despite my poor and dangerous driving.

It’s the last thing that put me and my family over the edge.  While I can – and have – taken a fair amount of abuse to get through seminary, it’s when I put someone else’s safety in jeopardy that we realized something had to give, but what?  I certainly am not going to cut back what amounts to a handful of hours with my dad and providing respite for my mother.  Because of financial aid and scholarships, there are a minimum number of classes I have to take each year.   Even if everything goes as planned, I’ll just be skimming by, and once before I had to pay back financial aid for some classes when I couldn’t hit the minimum – it’s too painful to do again.  I can’t quit the clinical pastoral education (CPE) component; I need the credits and also it has truly become the part of my week I love the most, where I’m actually able to minister to others and see some purpose for why I’m doing everything else.  What about the job?  Well, my spouse was laid off some months back, so we need my paycheck, and perhaps more importantly, the benefits.  Despite repeated requests to be allowed to cut my hours, my employer can’t swing it.  As it is, there are already about 30% fewer of us in our area doing about 50% more work than in the past.  I’ve already tried sleeping in my car (see paragraph above) and have learned that’s not a good choice, either.

It turns out the car is part of the solution.  Well, not the car, but the commute. Despite the reduction in household income, we’ve determined that the best solution is that I rent a room in Minneapolis that’s about 15 minutes from work and 10 minutes from my clinical site.  So, for the next six months, we’re paying a mortgage – and rent – so that I can at least have the chance to sleep nearly 8 hours a night, 4 nights a week.  While others were taking time off during our reading week break and catching up on their lives and relationships, I was apartment hunting and transporting part of our household to a small room that is about as different a setting from our quiet rural home as I can fathom.

One of the patients I was assigned on my first day as a chaplain intern died this morning.  I was with him and his family last night.  He hasn’t been conscious for about two weeks, but I’ve still gone in and shared his favorite verse – Joshua 1:9.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Over the last few months the two of us have reflected on the meaning of this verse for those of us who are crossing over to foreign lands.  It was the last thing I said to him before I left last night, in hopes that there was still some part of his being that could hear me.  While I have no doubt he believes this in his bones, I wanted to affirm for him – and for me – God will be with us wherever we go.

 - Jayne Helgevold, MDiv student