Stick a Fork in Me…I’m Done

I’ve been a student in one way shape of form for four decades. I don’t just mean, I’m an avid reader, or I’m a student of humanity. I mean, I’ve gone through the public education system, graduated, and have shelled out many thousands of dollars and collected any number of degrees, certificates, licenses and certifications.  To be sure, I love to learn, but the other thing is that I couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to do with my life and kept trying on new careers and skills, hoping something would stick. 

With just a few weeks left to go of my clinical pastoral education (CPE) unit in a large teaching hospital, I can finally say, I think I’ve figured it out. I think some sort of chaplaincy work is in my future. Here’s the kicker—I have a lot of schooling to finish up before I can even begin doing a year-long residency to get me closer what I believe may be my future vocation.  A lot of schooling. 

Even a year ago, it didn’t bother me greatly that I was on the slow road to a Master of Divinity. I mean, it’s not like it’s my first master’s degree. The diploma would simply join the collection on my living room wall. Now, I’m finding myself growing ever-more impatient as I consider my future, which currently looks like this: Continue working full-time in my office job while cobbling together my classes, graduate in a couple of years, cool my heels until the next time a residency program opens up (typically in the fall), do a year of residency and finally be ready to search for a chaplaincy gig. We’re talking 2015 or thereabouts.

Good things may come to those who wait, but I think I may have reached a point where I’d like to see the good things happen sooner. I’m seriously considering cutting my hours at work to take on more classes and try to wrap things up (except one straggler of a requirement) in about a year. Cutting work hours would do nothing for my already impressive sleep deficit; it does, however act as a way to rob Peter to pay Paul – I’m trying to tip the scales enough in work hours to up my course load. 

No, we can’t afford this “solution” from a monetary stand point, but I’m not sure my soul can afford to keep going like I have in the last year. My family and I have made so many sacrifices to get me this far in my United experience. While I feel like a zombie—albeit a well-learned zombie—some of the most fulfilling experiences in my educational and personal life have happened this year.

There’s no way United could describe the intensity of what some of its students will go through on their way to completing their program. I’ve been told mothers often forget the agony of childbirth almost immediately after cradling their children in their arms, and that if they didn’t, the world would be devoid of humanity. 

I sometimes wonder if there’s a kernel of truth in the childbirth analogy for those seeking a Master of Divinity—if we were to remember the harshest hours of writing papers, walking with patients or congregants in their darkest hours during our internships, trying to keep our heads above a tsunami of books that never seem to stop flowing—if we were to remember these things, would any of us ever graduate and live out our ministry in the world? I don’t know. 

What I do know is that the semester is winding down, my lease is almost up, there is still a pile of unread books, papers and final projects to complete, a handful of clinical hours to finish up, and there’s no time to really process. But then, maybe like a newborn, keeping busy keeps us from dwelling too long.  By the time we look back, the pains have subsided and all we’re left with are snapshots of moments where we can see our hard work from the perspective of the new life in our midst. That’s all flowery talk for now. If you asked me today how I feel about school, I’d have to say, “Stick a fork in me. I’m done.”
- Jayne Helgevold, MDiv student